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The Gillsville Grinder
The unlucky 13th
of January found the WCL 2007 participants gathering at high noon in the
hallowed parking lot of BC Grant Church to battle once again the weather, the
cold and each other. The
weather decided to strangely cooperate to the fullest with partly sunny skies
and the cold didn’t show up either with temps in the high 60s.
But the faithful of the WCL did show in mass with many veteran riders now
known by all as the hardest, grittiest cyclist in the northern provinces of
Georgia. The Habersham Hammer, Sammy Arial came announcing his
victory ceremony to follow the ride the following week after he clinches the WCL
07’ title (this will be some feat since Sammy has attended only 2 events thus
far and has abandoned both). Scott Landis-Hefner arrived on his showroom condition
bicycle. Quickly he laid down
mirrors under the machine to show the cleanliness both above and below. Matthew Matthew, the self-proclaimed “Ironman”
came to the line riding a fresh set of Zipp 404 tubular racing wheels.
Ironman knew the route well today and brought his best to do battle on. Lightning Bug Brody was seen sporting a secret weapon
set of unobtainable tubular wheels. Rumors
abounded that the wheels were made from weapons-grade uranium that cause
radiation sickness in opposing sprinters but this could not be confirmed by
presstime. Attack man Mahon showed up with a new tactic to be
discussed in the following pages. A
check of his bike showed he was riding a WOMEN’S saddle and he hastily
borrowed another from Landis-Hefner.
This may be the first siting of a cross dressing cyclist at the WCL and
inquiring minds want to know. Ron “Old School” Coker pulled up promising to
pull another old-school tactic on the group as he did in the Baldwin Classic.
Old wryly racers like Ron can never be counted out and must always be
watched especially in the closing kilometers. Andy “The Train” Brackett rode up after finishing
a 50 mile warm up ride from his home to the church. Rumors had circulated that Andy would be riding his
newly acquired Zipp 303s, but luckily for all, this was not the case.
He was though sporting the nastiest, oldest, dirtiest socks in the known
world with the archaic letters “GT” embroidered on the side.
If his strength on the bike didn’t get you the socks certainly would. Dustin “Meatgrinder” Mealor showed up late as
usual still sporting scars from a recent tumble on the pavement.
Dustin is notorious for falling in front of a rival if he suspects he
might be beaten by him. This unorthodox tactic is currently being reviewed by
the UCI to rule on its legality. Dustin
was also riding racing TUBULARS. Every
advantage was being sought for today’s hard ride. The Pessimist, a.k.a. John Lilly arrived assuring
everyone that he would be dropped within the first 10 miles.
This ancient Kung Fu tactic was developed by Lilly’s Sensei to get
opponents to discount you, then surprise them in the final meters with a
stunning roundhouse sprint. Stephen “Hey Man” Dean was in attendance with
surplus adjectives for all opponents.
“Your Awsome”, and “I’m so Jealous” were sayings that Stephen
bestowed on all who came near him. His
tactic was to swell the egos of his opponents making their legs heavy, so he
would be able to fly pasted them on the final hill. Danny Short from the Heavyduty Mtn bikers, Shooting
Star Bridges, Professor Mike, Stan “Mountain Man” White and the One Who
Cannot Be Named rounded out the group of hardy cyclist on hand to do battle.
Noticeably missing from the event was Old Man Burch.
An illness in the Burch family was the official reason given for his
absence, but paparazzi earlier in the week spotted the Old Man out doing swamp
intervals in his homeland of South Georgia.
The real truth may never be known. The route chosen for the day’s epic adventure began
with run toward the west with the junior’s Brody and Mahon jumping off the
front at every opportunity. Mahon
soon began his before-mentioned secret tactic of bombarding all the other riders
with questions galore. Soon a
person was so tired from answering one question after another that they had to
abandon the day’s ride due to exhaustion.
Mahon showed amazing stamina by continuing this onslaught of the others
throughout the day. Soon the group approached Skitt Mountain and a hush
fell over the group. Down the
Roubaix road they went with calls of “HOLE!” coming frequently as they
avoided the obstacles. Luckily
the group was not taking the Goat Path over the Mountain today, but took a more
circular route around the hill and on toward the metropolis of Clermont.
There the zealots relived the finish of last month’s Clermont Classic
that saw Landis-Hefner steal it in the final meters.
They then turned back toward the East to the store
stop at the little five points. This
has no resemblance to the famous little five points in Atlanta, for there was
not a hippie in sight. Lightning
Bug was spotted pouring 2 Red Bulls into his waterbottle and grinning like a
madman. Ironman bought out
the rest of the store and proceeded to eat most of it, before storing the
remainder in his jersey pockets. On they rode to Lula, the home of Bikeshop Joe,
another famous WCL rider. Joe
was seen on the sidewalk of Lula with his newly formed gang of cutthroat teenage
dropouts, looking to mug any riding lagging behind. The riders then rode the deadend road to Gillsville
that is probably the only flat road in North Georgia. As they road into the city limits, a Pee Break was
called at the City Park to use the restrooms.
A Kindergarten Birthday Party was occurring at the same time as their
arrival, and the children mistook the zealots as the day’s entertainment.
Luckily Landis-Hefner distracted the children with his snot throwing
technic while the others relieved themselves in the facilities.
Onward back to Lula they road, now approaching 60
miles for the day. Joe’s
Gang were still loitering about as the rider’s past again, not having the
ability to motivate themselves to accost such a burly group of cyclist. The run in to Alto began as the riders traveled north
and the Attack Zone approached. Andy
“The Train” Brackett again made his namesake as he dragged the group at 25
mph relentlessly the last 10 miles. The Attack Zone today was the infamous BC Grant Time
Trial Loop. This is murderous
5 miles with the finish being at the church sign.
Many feel the adjacent graveyard is very appropriate as any who fall dead
at the finish can easily be buried. Through Alto hard on The Train’s wheel they rode,
then down and up to the line at the
church as the whistle blew to start the Attack Zone. Immediately Andy increased the pace and the pack
strung out single file with all tongues wagging.
As the group slowed at the 4-way stop to watch for
traffic, Lightning Bug launched a massive attack off the front that looked to go
clear. The Ironman was the
only one to respond by bridging across to Brody at the feedmill.
Both though were reeled in on the hill up to Alto by the leg-breaking
pace being thrown down by The Train.
Single file again were the zealots as they made the turn by the Post
Office and descended to the final climb.
Mountain Man Stan White launched on the decent with a complete disregard
for his safety or others. The
group came together one last time on the final climb and the anticipation was
heavy as everyone watched for the first person to make a move.
Meatgrinder Mealor couldn’t stand it any longer and launched hard three
quarters up the climb with an amazing leadout. Shooting Star responded quickly gaining Mealor’s
wheel which quickly opened a gap of
50 meters. As Dustin blew up
with 200 meters to go, Star looked back to see Lightning Bug Brody jumping out
of the group like the comet he was named for.
That boy was wagging his bike so far over that sparks were flying from
his handlebars as they touched the ground on either side!
Shooter dug deep to hold off the hard pounding Junior, whose Uranium
laced wheels had decimated the rest of the group.
Shooting Star threw his bike at the line to barely edge out Lightning Bug
and take his third WCL win of the season.
Landis-Hefner who had proclaimed earlier he would not sprint, changed his
mind in the last kilometer to charge from the back to get 3rd.
Grateful for the leadout, Shooter gave his winnings of coupons for
delicious, free MAYFIELD DAIRY products to Meatgrinder Mealor. The distance today was 76 miles with an average speed
of 18.8 mph. Look for the updated standings to be posted soon by
the WCL commissioner on the Habersham Bicycles Website. Show up if you dare next Saturday at noon as we ride again.
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Hours Monday-Friday 10-6 Saturday 9-1 Sunday Closed
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