ROT for 08 Dates are Posted

Ariail Tire Assault on Dick’s Hill

Many local rides have originated out of the Cornelia City landmark that is Ariail Tire. This is the location cyclist gather and sit on the bench out front and talk mostly truths and some nearly truths. Cyclists have been known to do some bench racing on rainy days. Sitting on the bench has often increased a cyclist speed by five mph only to see that speed disappear when they straddled a bicycle. Maybe we all need seats made out of that special bench wood?  It was on this same bench that today’s route was created by the Habersham Hammer with some helpful input from local Militia Man Joey Brown. The conversation started out about interrogation techniques and capital punishment then morphed into training routes. It is no surprise that today’s route would have a little bit of everything painful along with a big leg breaker of a climb at the end. Today we would assault Dick’s Hill, but only few old timers knew it would assault us right back.

The WCL points overall leadership is still up for grabs. This ride and the next two make the point grabbing a lot more difficult. Today the point’s picture changed again with a stellar performance from Attack Man Mahon and Andy the Train Brackett.

Most of the riders in today’s peloton represent the United Community Bank Cycling Team. The team enjoyed receiving their new kit from Pactimo earlier in the morning which resembled a second Christmas. The new kit looks sharp, but I do not plan on wearing the skin suit in public until the winter flab quits jiggling enough to resemble a six pack, or maybe a resemblance to a couple of Old Milwaukee forties.

El Nino took today off and instead of temperatures in the sixties we all shivered during the early morning thinking it was cold in the low forties. The bench at the station is the coldest place in town according to town historians so we all departed knowing the temps would get warmer. It is rarely too cold for the zealots of WCL.

Andy the Train Brackett signed in notifying the UCI officials on hand that his new USCF license came back marked Baron Von Brackett instead of the Train. He was allowed to participate but required to sign in as Baron or BVB from now on. Reigning point leader Shooting Star Bridges is the team director sportif of UCBI and appeared in his new kit looking like Captain America in the red white and blue.

Old School Ron Coker sat on the bench before the ride telling war stories from past races while the young guns listened and stood slack jawed; mesmerized by events they could encounter themselves in the near future.

Snapper Dean sat on the other end of the bench and explained to the young guns that he did not earn his nick name because he used to deliver false teeth for a living, which would have made him a tooth fairy, he earned his name for being able to latch on to someone’s wheel and not let go until it thundered like a snapping turtle.

Scott Landis-Hefner made his usual pre-ride announcement that he would not participate in the attack zone today, however he was riding his go fast zip 303 tubular wheel set so no one believed him. Scott remains in second place in the overall point’s standing despite his announcements that he is going to ride easy.

Brad Lewallen’s bike has been on the trainer for so long he needed a couple of us to run behind him and hold him up until he regained his balance. You never forget how to ride a bike and it was no time before Brad was holding his position in the pack.

Jehns Voight Lilly resisted the urge to pull the pack out of town since he is recovering from a blow to the mid section or something like that. Since the details of how he achieved the injury are not available, we will construct our own facts later when we meet for the next bench racing meeting. He would later receive a text message over his ergo meter console from Barjne Riis telling him it was OK to pull and then he was off to the front.

Ride like the WindStream Mahon is a veteran cyclist and he knew a leg breaker climb awaited the peloton at the day’s end, so he engineered a shorter route but still managed to get in plenty of base miles.

Attack Man Mahon looked taller in his new UCBI kit but who knew he was going to be faster? He was seen drinking a dark beverage before the ride created from grinding up a rare beetle found in the Brazilian rain forest. The concoction is supposed to make you a better climber but the side effects are unknown. Is that bed head or is he growing an antennae?

Ironman Martin stretched out the grocery pockets on his new kit and saddled his bike with the quieter clincher tires instead of the noisy whomp whomp tubular tires.

Meat grinder Mealor was almost unrecognizable wearing his new kit with no crash holes or rips in the jersey or shorts. Look out boys his scabs are almost healed which means he is due for another grinding soon. He is young and he may out grow this crash habit.

SORBA Habersham Chapter president Danny Short campaigned around the popular meeting point at the station and rode with us leading us down Yonah Homer road before turning off on a shorter route.

Lightening Bug Brody Stiarwalt fresh from a visit to Candy Mountain stretched his legs before today’s ride holding onto a slim lead in the third place standing in the overall. Rumors of Lightening Bug having an extra kidney are not true. Has anyone seen Charlie?

Mountain Man Stan White rolled to the start today riding a brand new carbon fiber Giant purchased at Habersham Bicycles. Mountain Man said it was like driving a sports car and he was just getting accustomed to the handling. The new bike is four pounds lighter than his old iron frame and since he did not attach his seat bag the total weight reduction was almost ten pounds!

Old man Burch returned from doing swamp intervals in South GA to ride in the pack. He explained swamp intervals. In ancient times Kings shipped their greyhounds to South GA for training. The fastest animal other than the cheetah is the lowly skunk with its racing stripe. A variety of skunk that does not have the stink gland is bred in the swamps. The no stinks are used to run ahead of the grey hounds making them chase and eventually the grey hounds are the fastest at the track. One of Old Man Burch’s great Uncles still trains grey hounds using the no stinks and allowed Old Man to chase one on his bike for interval practice. Old Man said he was only able to keep up with his no stink training partner because the one he worked out with was older had only three legs and is mostly used as a stud now days.

Sammy’s and Joey’s route had us going out Old Cornelia hwy past mom’s new big house or the Lee Arrendale prison according to the phone book. A quick wave to mom by the fence and the pack was off to Yonah Homer road. This is the famous Alto attack zone in reverse. The covenants along Yonah Homer road include the rule that every occupied property maintain at least two dogs per mailbox. Dog was yelled more by the pack than American Idol Judge Randy said it in all of season one. Going down the stair steps is much quicker than going up and the dogs were soon behind us.

We followed Yonah Homer road all the way to Homer and soon after that some one yelled for a nature break. The pack kept going. Old School Coker showed off his Petacchi type sprinter speed racing to the front to alert the Train there was a need for a nature break. Everyone that needed a break headed for a private area, except for one person that stopped in front of a residence after laying his bike nearly in the roadway. A passing truck almost ran over the rear wheel during the nature break! The whole event was captured on the residence’s cell phone camera and posted on youtubes.com before the ride ended.

The pack reassembled and headed back on the road toward Ariail road and the Habersham Hammer joined Baron Von Brackett and Jehns Voight Lilly at the front. The pace was high since the Hammer was riding to represent his lineage. Heading into Carnesville we approached the Franklin county line. Ironman shot by the front of the pack hoping to win a CLS sprint, but it was not to be as the Baron was alert and sprinted off the front of the pack to win the CLS sprint.

Soon after the sprint the pack was lead into Carnesville and the store stop at the Petro truck stop. The store stop was fairly uneventful until the stench from the restroom set off the smoke alarm. The people needing to go after that asked for permission from the store manager to use the women’s restroom. Old school was proud. Ironman found a shopping cart and loaded up on groceries for the remainder of the ride. It seems his real reason for not riding his carbon tubular rims was they are not strong enough to carry him and his groceries.

We almost made it out of the truck stop when we noticed that Snapper Dean was missing. After a quick look around we saw him being carried across the parking lot by a very large woman trucker. She had him thrown over her shoulder like a sack of taters. Old Man Burch speaks fluent truck driver and asked for her to let him go explaining that Snapper is engaged to be married and could not go back to Alabama with her. 10-4? Her bicep bulged when she shifted Snapper from her shoulder to under her armpit to keep him from trying to squirm free. Seeing the situation was not going well director sportif Star gave Jehns Voight Lilly the signal and Jehns used his black belt karate skills to free Snapper from the armpit. Running for the bikes our cleats tapped out a rhythm quicker than a rapper that stutters. We escaped the parking lot only because Ironman dropped some of his groceries in the get away and the very large woman trucker took them in trade for the Snapper.

Steven Snapper Dean had an adrenalin rush from the close call and worked his way to the front of the pack almost taking a pull. I worked my way up through the peloton to let Snapper know that the reason I get fat in winter is that fat people are harder to kidnap. He said he would work on that after the wedding.

 Scott and Andy did most of the work leaving Franklin County headed back into Banks County. The Banks County CLS appeared after fifteen miles of gently rolling hills. The sprint can be seen from a long ways out inviting rider to have a go at the sprint. BVB shot off the front followed by Meat grinder then Old Man. Malnourished from loosing some of his groceries, Ironman came across fourth.

Rounding a curve we caught sight of today’s main challenge, the climb over Currahee Mountain where the first army paratroopers trained. Scott Hefner pointed out the distant climb with a grin that only climbers can manage. We were still ten miles away as the climb disappeared behind the trees.

Coming down hwy 184 we are now on familiar roads. Hwy 184 joins the Tuesday night loop where three counties meet, Banks, Franklin, and Stephens. The CLS for Stephens County is a high speed downhill sprint and the pack strung out in a long line behind Scott Landis-Hefner. Lightening Bug made a dig for the line as well as Ironman, but it was Jehns Voight Lilly coming around them all from about midpack to take the CLS sprint.

Continuing down 184 the hills get steeper instead of the gently rolling hills we had been riding. After four miles we go past the old fashioned saw mill and the steep hill that slows the pack a bit. Normally in the summer the sawmill workers hoot and holler as we pass.

Two miles down the road we pass a home under construction. An observer on the property quickly takes our photo as we pass by. With our new kit he could have easily mistaken us for a pro team.

At the end of 184 we turn left on to hwy 123 and the beginning of Dicks Hill and the beginning of the Attack Zone. The peloton had reassembled and Old Man Burch rolled to the front and increased the pace. After a short pull the dial on his old heart rate monitor had went from green to orange then the needle went into the red. He was done and he quickly pulled out of the way to let the faster riders continue on the attack.

 The increase in pace was easily followed by Baron Von Brackett, Attack Man Mahon, Scott Landis-Hefner, Lightening Bug, and Old School Petacchi Coker. One rider was caught out by the increase in pace and a gap opened in the pack. Shooter lit the afterburners and closed the gap bringing the remainder of the pack with him.

BVB took over the lead position and strung the pack out behind him into a long thin line as the grade started at the base of Dicks Hill. The long thin line broke into ones and twos with the lead group consisting of Baron Von Brackett, Attack Man Mahon, Scott Landis-Hefner, Lightening Bug, and Shooting Star Bridges. Having lit the afterburners to close the gap earlier had cost Shooter and he could not maintain the fierce pace being laid own by the Baron. Attack Man Mahon was hanging tough and pulled out his secret Brazilian beetle juice for a quick swig before he jumped around the Baron and took the lead.

BVB is not accustomed to being passed on any climb. He dropped down a couple of gears stood up and the peloton quickly disappeared. Attack Man Mahon having his best ride of the season eased his efforts. Lightening Bug was pulled up to Mahon by Landis-Hefner, but ran out of gas. Inspired Mahon found new legs and spun on up the remaining half mile to claim second. Landis-Hefner feeling the efforts from closing the gap on the climb rolled across the line third.

Regrouping after the attack zone the pack ambled into Cornelia and met the press at the Ariail Tire where Sammy had set up the bench for a podium. Today’s attack zone winner, Andy Brackett, was rewarded with a prize envelope containing coupons for milk and ice cream from the premium dairy provider in the southeast, Mayfield Dairy Farms.

Today’s ride was hard and all the riders were looking forward to Lovely Lisa Mahon’s post ride desert. This Saturday she provided us with no bake chocolate cookies and the pack descending on them like wolves. I do not think anyone was injured when Shooter opened the container but there was some elbowing and growling.

Overall standings: Star Bridges #1, Scott Hefner #2, Andy Brackett #3.

Join us next week for the Northeast GA Carpet Lake Burton Loop. Climbing galore!

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